Blog post #7: Chaotic Divas (Part 2 of 3)

In part one of this series of blog posts on Chaotic Divas, we defined what a Chaotic Diva is. We also met Colin Europe of The Shiny Exciters and witnessed the destructive forces he unleashed when left to his own devices.

In this post, part two of three, I will introduce you to two more Chaotic Divas I have personally encountered over the years. More mayhem will ensue...

Chaotic diva #2: Foxy California

I only ever met Foxy California on one occasion, for about eight minutes. And during this time, I didn’t speak a single word to her. Nor did my friend Dave London. Despite the briefness of this encounter, Foxy California really made Dave and me sweat!

It all happened at an open mic event held in a large bar one Sunday evening years ago. Dave and I were sitting on chairs on stage: he was singing and we were both playing our acoustic guitars. We had just finished our first song and were about to launch into our second song when suddenly, out of nowhere, some lady appeared onstage and snatched the mic away from Dave. She was a tall, mature black woman wearing high heels, shoulder pads and a side-slit dress, which seductively revealed a sliver of her left leg from ankle to hip. On her head was a wide-brimmed hat cocked at a jaunty angle. She had the impressive stage presence of Grace Jones (a 1980s pop icon).

Foxy California spoke to the crowd who immediately woke up and got excited. Especially the older gentlemen in the audience. This was going to be way more entertaining than two blokes in jeans playing guitars. She turned to us and said, “Summertime. Key of A minor”, and then swiftly launched into the opening lyrics of Gershwin's classic by herself, beckoning us to join her. After figuring out she was actually singing in F minor, Dave, who somewhat knew the song, was able to back her up. I did not know this song at that time, and so I sat there doing nothing, not wanting to make myself more conspicuous by standing up and tip-toeing off the stage. Dave made several mistakes during the song, including some bad ones, which didn’t seem to knock Foxy California off her stride at all. It was a powerful performance by her and she got a huge round of applause afterwards.

Before the applause died down, Foxy California suddenly turned to Dave and me and said “Fever in A minor” before proceeding to sing it in Bb minor. She got lucky with this song choice. I had just learnt this Peggy Lee song for a project with another singer and so I was able to follow along. It was Dave’s turn to sit there like a numpty this time. This song also finished to great applause. Foxy California took an extravagant bow, walked off stage, vanished into the audience, and we never saw her ever again.

Singers who don’t play a musical instrument generally have little appreciation of musicians’ capabilities. Hence strolling up to two scruffy dudes playing 1990’s Britpop at an amateur night and expecting them to know and instantly play old songs from the 1930s and 1950s!

Chaotic diva #3: Fabiola Tantrums

Fabiola Tantrums was the lead singer of the band Jet Blonde. Two of the musicians in Jet Blonde were students of mine and they would sometimes complain to me about her chaotic and diva-like behaviour. This behaviour would ultimately result in the band falling apart, something I’m sure Fabiola never intended to happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure Fabiola would be shocked to hear me laying any of the blame for the downfall of Jet Blonde at her feet.

According to my students, Fabiola’s behaviour included:

• Arriving late to and leaving early from rehearsals and gigs, thus conveniently avoiding carrying any equipment to and from cars (drums, amplifiers, etc).
• Having no involvement in band organization whatsoever and simply asking, “What time should I be there?” (And then arriving late.)
• Having no interest in finding out where the cable at the other end of her microphone goes. Expecting other band members to plug it in (somewhere??) and to have everything set up and ready for her when she arrives.
• Constantly annoying band mates with suggestions of new songs when existing songs were nowhere near polished.
• Refusing to attend rehearsals until the band could play the songs to a good standard, and only then turning up to sprinkle her magic over the top.

Fabiola’s insistence on the band being polished before she would start coming to rehearsals was not a good idea. The Jet Blonde guys found it difficult to play through songs without a guide vocal. They were not good enough at that stage to keep the vocal melody in their minds while playing. They would lose their place in the music when rehearsing without Fabiola. Gradually, the musicians began to lose interest. Their rehearsals became fewer and fewer.

The upshot of all this was a disastrously unprepared for gig at Scaramanga’s Bar. Just like the Colin and Valerie Europe debacle at Montgomery’s years before (mentioned in the first part of this blog on Chaotic Divas), Jet Blonde struggled through their set with uncertain playing, many mistakes and muted applause from the audience. And, approximately halfway through their second set, the worst thing that can happen to a band on stage apart from death by electrocution occurred: a train wreck (i.e., stopping abruptly and prematurely mid song). Unlike the landlord at Montgomery’s, the promoter at Scaramanga’s told the band immediately after they came off stage that he would not be hiring them to play again. The band quickly fell apart after the loss of this prestigious and regular gig.

While the blame for Jet Blonde’s downfall does not lie solely at Fabiola’s feet, she did play a significant part in eroding the band’s team spirit and morale. She introduced a kind of infection which quickly spread to the rest of the band and eventually killed off its host.

This was part two in a series of three articles on the topic of Chaotic Divas. In the final instalment, we’ll cover the following…

• Two last examples of Chaotic Divas: Hairy Styles and his inappropriate announcements to the audience; Hugh Jazz and his gig-ending wardrobe choices
  
  
• Ideas of how to work with Chaotic Divas and how to defend the band against their destructive tendencies.
  
• When to say enough is enough and remorselessly kick a Chaotic Diva out of the band.

(Some musician and band names were changes in this article to protect identities.)

Mark Baxter (c) 2024