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In part one of this series of blog posts on Chaotic Divas, we defined what a Chaotic Diva is. We also met Colin Europe of The Shiny Exciters and witnessed the destructive forces he unleashed when left to his own devices. In this post, part two of three, I will introduce you to two more Chaotic Divas I have personally encountered over the years. More mayhem will ensue... Chaotic diva #2: Foxy California I only ever met Foxy California on one occasion, for about eight minutes. And during this time, I didn’t speak a single word to her. Nor did my friend Dave London. Despite the briefness of this encounter, Foxy California really made Dave and me sweat! It all happened at an open mic event held in a large bar one Sunday evening years ago. Dave and I were sitting on chairs on stage: he was singing and we were both playing our acoustic guitars. We had just finished our first song and were about to launch into our second song when suddenly, out of nowhere, some lady appeared onstage and snatched the mic away from Dave. She was a tall, mature black woman wearing high heels, shoulder pads and a side-slit dress, which seductively revealed a sliver of her left leg from ankle to hip. On her head was a wide-brimmed hat cocked at a jaunty angle. She had the impressive stage presence of Grace Jones (a 1980s pop icon). Foxy California spoke to the crowd who immediately woke up and got excited. Especially the older gentlemen in the audience. This was going to be way more entertaining than two blokes in jeans playing guitars. She turned to us and said, “Summertime. Key of A minor”, and then swiftly launched into the opening lyrics of Gershwin's classic by herself, beckoning us to join her. After figuring out she was actually singing in F minor, Dave, who somewhat knew the song, was able to back her up. I did not know this song at that time, and so I sat there doing nothing, not wanting to make myself more conspicuous by standing up and tip-toeing off the stage. Dave made several mistakes during the song, including some bad ones, which didn’t seem to knock Foxy California off her stride at all. It was a powerful performance by her and she got a huge round of applause afterwards. Before the applause died down, Foxy California suddenly turned to Dave and me and said “Fever in A minor” before proceeding to sing it in Bb minor. She got lucky with this song choice. I had just learnt this Peggy Lee song for a project with another singer and so I was able to follow along. It was Dave’s turn to sit there like a numpty this time. This song also finished to great applause. Foxy California took an extravagant bow, walked off stage, vanished into the audience, and we never saw her ever again. Singers who don’t play a musical instrument generally have little appreciation of musicians’ capabilities. Hence strolling up to two scruffy dudes playing 1990’s Britpop at an amateur night and expecting them to know and instantly play old songs from the 1930s and 1950s! Chaotic diva #3: Fabiola Tantrums Fabiola Tantrums was the lead singer of the band Jet Blonde. Two of the musicians in Jet Blonde were students of mine and they would sometimes complain to me about her chaotic and diva-like behaviour. This behaviour would ultimately result in the band falling apart, something I’m sure Fabiola never intended to happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure Fabiola would be shocked to hear me laying any of the blame for the downfall of Jet Blonde at her feet. According to my students, Fabiola’s behaviour included:
Fabiola’s insistence on the band being polished before she would start coming to rehearsals was not a good idea. The Jet Blonde guys found it difficult to play through songs without a guide vocal. They were not good enough at that stage to keep the vocal melody in their minds while playing. They would lose their place in the music when rehearsing without Fabiola. Gradually, the musicians began to lose interest. Their rehearsals became fewer and fewer. The upshot of all this was a disastrously unprepared for gig at Scaramanga’s Bar. Just like the Colin and Valerie Europe debacle at Montgomery’s years before (mentioned in the first part of this blog on Chaotic Divas), Jet Blonde struggled through their set with uncertain playing, many mistakes and muted applause from the audience. And, approximately halfway through their second set, the worst thing that can happen to a band on stage apart from death by electrocution occurred: a train wreck (i.e., stopping abruptly and prematurely mid song). Unlike the landlord at Montgomery’s, the promoter at Scaramanga’s told the band immediately after they came off stage that he would not be hiring them to play again. The band quickly fell apart after the loss of this prestigious and regular gig. While the blame for Jet Blonde’s downfall does not lie solely at Fabiola’s feet, she did play a significant part in eroding the band’s team spirit and morale. She introduced a kind of infection which quickly spread to the rest of the band and eventually killed off its host. This was part two in a series of three articles on the topic of Chaotic Divas. In the final instalment, we’ll cover the following…
(Some musician and band names were changes in this article to protect identities.) Mark Baxter (c) 2024
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Over the course of this blog post and the two following posts… What is a Chaotic Diva? Colin Europe, Fabiola Tantrums and Hugh Jazz each torpedo a gig. Venues and event promoters refuse to hire them and their bands ever again. A Grace Jones look-a-like storms the stage at an open mic night. Hairy Styles’ inappropriate onstage behaviour. Advice on how to deal with Chaotic Divas. What is a Chaotic Diva? A Chaotic Diva is a talented but tiresome musician. Usually, he or she is a singer, but the occasional instrumentalist can also qualify as a Chaotic Diva from time-to-time. The “chaotic” part of their name refers to the fact that these individuals always create a certain amount of havoc around them. If left unchecked, their behaviour can lead to disgruntled band members, wasted rehearsal time, lost gigs and even the total dissolution of the band... as we will see in this post and the following two posts. The “diva” part of the name refers to the fact that Chaotic Divas consider themselves to be the main event... the star attraction… the most-important person in the band! Annoyingly, they are often correct in this assumption. Over the course of these three blog posts, I will offer five examples of Chaotic Divas I have personally come across, with the aim of helping you to identify them in the wild. These examples will show the harmful mayhem Chaotic Divas can cause. While reading, keep in mind that despite this mayhem you may still want to keep a Chaotic Diva around, due to their talent. So, in the third blog post in this series, I will share with you my ideas of how to work with Chaotic Divas and how to defend the band against their destructive tendencies. I’ll also suggest when to say enough is enough and remorselessly kick them out of the band. Chaotic diva #1: Colin Europe In 2014, I formed a band with some of my music students. We called ourselves The Shiny Exciters. The Shiny Exciters were an unusual band in that we had anywhere between 12 and 18 band members playing at gigs. We would not all play at the same time though. Players rotated on and off stage. A maximum of six players would be on stage at any one time during a gig. At an average Shiny Exciters gig, the band would consist of two bassists, six guitarists, a saxophonist, a harmonica player, two drummers and four singers. I was the band leader and also one of the drummers. Colin Europe was one of the singers. Colin was much loved by the landlord of a local pub called Montgomery’s, which hosted bands every Saturday evening. The Shiny Exciters had played at Montgomery’s regularly over the previous two years.”What an entertainer!”, the landlord once exclaimed to me, referring to Colin. Colin’s act featured the following:
Like the band on the deck of the Titanic, The Shiny Exciters played on regardless of all the chaos going on around them. Colin was surprisingly energetic and athletic for a portly fellow of 50. The Colin portion of a Shiny Exciters gig had a polarising effect on the public. Some, like the landlord of Montgomery’s, loved Colin. Others disliked his corny antics. A sound guy once referred to his act as “cheap tricks”. I personally thought it was all good harmless fun and made for an entertaining evening. However, I always feared Colin getting a punch in the face due to his habit of accosting people to dance with and refusing them the option of saying no. I must say though, I never once saw anyone get upset with him or threaten him, which I put down to Colin being a non-intimidating, cuddly-looking chap. As band leader and music teacher to many of the players in The Shiny Exciters, I always insisted on plenty of rehearsals and preparation for every gig. Also, I restricted new songs to a rate the band could easily assimilate. I didn’t want any disasters on stage. Sometime in 2017 though, my schedule became very full in the run up to a next gig at Montgomery’s. I had to reduce my involvement in the band’s preparation. I was only rehearsing and playing drums with a small group of musicians within the larger Shiny Exciters family. The rest of The Shiny Exciters would have to take care of their end of things on their own. Once I was out of the picture and the guard rails were removed, Colin immediately introduced three new songs: his own compositions. He also drafted in The Shiny Exciters’ first ever keyboard player to play on these three songs. It was his teenage daughter, Valerie. Sadly, as it would turn out, Valerie could not even really play the keyboards, at least not in a band setting. So, the combination of the following ingredients created a recipe for disaster:
The gig When the Montgomery’s gig finally rolled around, I asked Colin if everything was in hand and whether his faction of The Shiny Exciters were fully rehearsed. He confidently assured me yes, they were ready. The first two songs Colin and Co. played were plain bad. They were far below the band’s usual standard. Perhaps Colin’s compositions were fine, but it was impossible to tell due to the terrible execution by the band. Valerie was playing block chords AND bass notes as if she was the only instrument playing, an approach which meant she was stepping on the toes of both the guitarist and the bassist at the same time. The sound was a horrible muddy mess. On top of this, there were a lot of errors in timing and in note choice. However, the worst was yet to come... Colin introduced their third and final song. It was a three-chord wonder. An easy song. The best I can say about Valerie’s playing on this song is that she used the correct three chords. No mistakes in that regard. However, she was pretty much 100% successful in playing the wrong chord at the wrong time for the entire song, which was an impressive feat! For example, when the band were playing the chord E major, Valerie would be confidently standing there bashing out an A major chord with a big smile on her face. She was seemingly oblivious to the dissonance. As soon as the band moved to A major, she would then perversely choose to play E major. This resulted in an amorphous sound, somewhat resembling a song. The guitarist and bassist were thrown into a state of panic and acute embarrassment. Colin could not sing in tune due to the cacophony behind him. It was close to impossible for him to pitch his voice correctly. The Shiny Exciters’ ship was now listing severely towards starboard and was in danger of capsizing. The sound guy and I exchanged a glance. His face said it all. The audience were now audibly groaning. At a moment, I couldn’t stand it any longer and I made for the door. Once outside, with the band still audible, I heard them completely fall off the beat, collapse and come to a stuttering premature stop… The ship had capsized and sunk. I was devastated that The Shiny Exciters had sunk so low. And yet, at the same time, I must admit to feeling a certain amount of smugness. It was now clear to some in the band that my role had been an important one in hindsight. I had previously tempered Colin’s destructive tenancies. Epilogue An epilogue to this sad story: The band subsequently struggled to get a response from the landlord of Montgomery’s about a date for a next gig. Several emails had been sent and no reply had been received. I decided, one afternoon, to visit the landlord in person, but when I got to Montgomery’s, it was closed. I put my face to the window and peered into the darkness within. I could make out the stage where I had played many times before and where the Colin/Valerie debacle had occurred. Suddenly, a ghostly face appeared three inches away from my own face on the other side of the glass! I jumped back, startled. The owner of the face, a young guy with a mop in his hand, unlocked the front door and asked, “What do you want?” I told him I wanted to speak to the landlord about a next booking for my band, The Shiny Exciters. He misunderstood me and thought I was asking when the band would play next. Maybe he thought I was a fan. Believing I was not a band member, he didn’t hold his punches. He told me the landlord had decided not to hire The Shiny Exciters any more. Apparently, the landlord’s reasoning was “They’re a mixed bag: sometimes great; sometimes f**king terrible.” And so, it had only taken Colin and his daughter three songs to torpedo a regular gig. The landlord had gone from being Colin’s biggest fan to sacking him (and us all) in a short amount of time. Probably the decision was made within 12 minutes: the time it took to play Colin’s three new songs. In the next two instalments…
(Some musician and band names were changes in this article to protect identities.) Mark Baxter (c) 2024 Most rock musicians start off playing in cover bands. A cover band is one which performs versions of famous artists’ songs. Some of you reading this blog post may alternatively wish to form an ‘originals’ band and play your own compositions from the get-go. However, I will concentrate on how to go about choosing cover songs for a band here. Choose easier songs Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes always goes down great with audiences in bars. So does Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Audiences sing along to both these songs. On a scale of difficulty from 1 to 100, Seven Nation is a 4 and Bohemian Rhapsody is a 96 (in my estimation at least). An amateur band could perfect a version of Seven Nation within 20 minutes at a rehearsal. Bohemian Rhapsody would take many, many more hours to perfect. So, choose to play Seven Nation Army. Unless, that is, you happen to be in a band with great technical musicians who love a challenge, have a lot of spare time on their hands and who can also sing four-part harmonies in tune. The same thing goes for Wild Thing by The Troggs and Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. Wild Thing is a 2 and Stairway is a 70. So, choose Wild Thing. Your audience will love a polished, grooving version of Wild Thing over a sloppy, hesitant and mistake-ridden version of Stairway any day. They won’t appreciate the daring involved in attempting a difficult song. Most of them won’t even understand that Stairway is a difficult song. They will only know that your version was somehow a bit naff and that all of a sudden they felt an urge to finish their drink, say good night to their friends and go home to bed. Of course, I am not suggesting here that ALL amateur rock bands on Planet Earth should play Seven Nation Army and Wild Thing. My point is that beginner bands would be wise to choose songs which are easier to accomplish given that audiences don’t care about song complexity. They love simple and difficult songs equally. They may even tilt in favour of preferring simple-to-play songs come to think of it. Every time a band stomps out a good rhythm and plays a recognizable melody or memorable riff, regardless of the difficulty level of the song, an audience in a bar will be very appreciative. It’s as simple as that. By choosing easier-to-play songs, you’ll dramatically reduce the amount of rehearsal time it will take to prepare your band to gig. You’ll also improve the band’s performance at the gig. The band will be less stressed about playing easier songs. They’ll be unburdened by the fear of a potential cock up and this will free them up to spray some confident rock and roll attitude in the direction of the audience. The audience will soak this up. Furthermore, your band won’t use up all their processing capacity recalling complicated structures and constantly thinking... “What comes next? What comes next? What comes next?” The band will have attention spare to concentrate on other things such as keeping time, grooving, locking in with fellow band mates and incorporating subtlety and dynamics in their playing. If you are just starting out playing in bands, beware of shooting too high, too soon, and falling on your bum. Not all rock songs were created equal. Some are massively more difficult than others. To help you to judge song difficulty, something which is not so easy when you are starting out, I’ve come up with a list of classic songs that rock cover bands play organised according to difficulty. As with the examples above, I have given them each an approximate difficulty level out of 100. A song with a difficulty level of 20, for example, would take a band around four times the amount of preparation (individual practice time at home and rehearsal time with the band) as a song with a difficulty level of five. I have taken into account the complexity of the song structure AND the level of technical skill required by the players. For example, some songs may have a relatively simple structure, but a tricky guitar solo that most guitarists covering the song would feel compelled to attempt. These songs are rated higher than similar songs without a tricky guitar solo. ALL of the songs in the following list are great songs in my opinion, no matter the difficulty level. Song difficulty list Difficulty level out of 100. Song (Band) 1. Gloria (Them with Van Morrison); Free Falling (Tom Petty); Horse with No Name (America) 2. Wild Thing (The Troggs); Louie Louie (The Kingsmen); Hit the Road Jack (Ray Charles); What’s Up (Four Non-Blondes). 3. Stand By Me (Ben E King); Twelve-bar blues such as Sweet Home Chicago (The Blues Brothers); House of the Rising Sun (The Animals); Creep (Radiohead); Can’t Always Get What You Want and Sympathy for the Devil (both The Rolling Stones); Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash); Mustang Sally (The Commitments). Anything by the Ramones or the Sex Pistols. 4. Seven Nation Army (The White Stripes); Come Together (The Beatles); You Really Got Me (The Kinks); Zombie (The Cranberries) 5. I Follow Rivers (Triggerfinger); Let It Be (The Beatles); Where is My Mind (The Pixies) 6. Hey Joe (Jimi Hendrix); Sweet Home Alabama (Lynard Skynard); Rocking in the Free World (Neil Young); Brown Sugar and Honky Tonk Woman (both The Rolling Stones); People are Strange (The Doors) 7. Suzie Q and Proud Mary (both CCR); Get Back (The Beatles); Paint it Black (The Rolling Stones); Should I Stay or Should I Go? (The Clash); My Babe (Little Walter); Gimme Some Loving (The Spencer Davis Group) 9. Wonderwall (Oasis) 10. Brown-eyed Girl (Van Morrison); I Shot the Sheriff (Bob Marley/Eric Clapton); Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones) 12. Don’t Look Back in Anger (Oasis); Cissy Strut (The Meters) 15. Sharp-dressed Man (ZZ Top); Thrill is Gone (B.B. King); Roadhouse Blues (The Doors) 20s. Black Magic Woman (Fleetwood Mac/Santana); Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen); Superstition (Stevie Wonder) 30s. Sunshine of Your Love (Cream with Eric Clapton); Shot in the Dark and Highway to Hell (both AC/DC); Wild World (Cat Stevens); Johnny B Goode (Chuck Berry); American Pie (Don McLean); Ruby (The Kaiser Chiefs); Smells like Teen Spirit and Heart-Shaped Box (Nirvana); Seek and Destroy and Nothing Else Matters (Metallica) 40s. Crossroads (Cream with Eric Clapton); Mary had a Little Lamb (SRV); Killing in the Name of (Rage against the machine); Under the Bridge and Californication (The Red Hot Chili Peppers) 50s. Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple); While my Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles with Eric Clapton); Little Wing (Jimi Hendrix) 60s. Back in Black (AC/DC); Red House (Jimi Hendrix) 70s. Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns and Roses); Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin); Hotel California (The Eagles); All Along the Watchtower (Jimi Hendrix); Voodoo Chile (Jimi Hendrix/SRV) 80s. Sultans of Swing (Dire Straits); 90s. Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen); Anything by the band Yes. Consider the singer’s style and range Another major consideration when choosing songs for your band will be your singer’s vocal style. It’s no good forcing a female singer with a delicate voice, like Bossa Nova legend Astrud Gilberto for example, to sing Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy. Likewise, it’s no good pressuring the lead singer of the death metal band Cannibal Corpse to growl Tip Toe Through the Tulips or The Teddy Bear’s Picnic, as amusing as this may turn out to be. Your singer’s vocal range should also be a consideration. Vocal range is the distance between the lowest note and the highest note a singer can comfortably sing. I told a story in a previous blog post about Mr X of the band O’Beast. Mr X desperately wanted O’Beast to cover Michael Jackson’s Beat it. He never stopped going on about it. He wanted to perform the flashy guitar solo on this song, as originally played by the great Eddie Van Halen. He wanted to play it so much that he completely overlooked the fact that O’Beast’s singer, Ted, had a voice pitched a solid one octave below that of Michael Jackson. Ted was a big man with a low baritone voice. Perhaps it was even a bass voice. Jacko was tiny man and with high tenor voice. Beat it was an impossibility for Ted without the aid of helium gas. Alternatively, Ted could have sang Beat it one octave lower than the original, which would have been pretty funny to be honest. If your singer’s vocal range is somewhat similar to a particular artist’s, then you can consider covering one of their songs. You can change the key of the song (transpose) to better suit your singer’s range if necessary. I will cover transposing songs in a subsequent blog post on the topic of arranging songs. Introducing new songs 20 to 24 songs will be sufficient to play two 45-minute sets. This is the usual amount of time a bar or venue would expect a band to play at a gig. It takes a lot of work and dedication to build up your repertoire to 90 minutes, but nevertheless, as soon as you have done so, one member of your band will immediately start suggesting next songs. It makes no sense to carry on learning more songs at this stage. Instead, make the existing set list tighter. Continue to fine tune. And then play some gigs with this initial set list. After a few gigs, perhaps you can consider learning new replacement songs. I would suggest that you do so slowly. Drip-feed new songs into your set list. Perhaps you could introduce one new song every two months. One of your jobs as band leader will be to fight off attempts to introduce more songs than the band can comfortably incorporate in a given period of time. Inevitably, one of your fellow band members will flood the band’s Whatsapp group chat with song suggestions, which you and the rest of the band will then have to spend time dutifully listening to and reacting to. If you do not defend against these attacks on band time and resources, bad things may happen. In an upcoming blog post, I will write about Colin Europe and Fabiola Tantrums and the effect that their constant pushing for new songs had on their respective bands (i.e., disgruntled band members, disastrous gigs and lost bookings). Band member resistance to songs Invariably, one or two band members will not be happy with some songs chosen for the band’s set list. They may even deploy the underhanded tactic of not practising the songs they don’t want to play. Excuses will be along the lines of… “Oh, I didn’t know we were still going to play this song” or “I only had time to practice the other songs last week”. Their overall aim will be to push back the rehearsal of their disliked songs until these songs are either forgotten or the advocates of the songs admit defeat and voluntarily withdraw them from the set list. Fussy, rhythmically-challenged musicians I’ve noticed that band members with poor rhythm are always the most fussy when it comes to song choice. If a song ticks all the right boxes (i.e., good for the singer, not too complex, suits the style of the band, most of band members like it), the fussy player may still object to the song. My theory is that this type of player was initially attracted to music because of the cool ethos of certain performers and the depth of meaning in their lyrics, not the rhythm or groove. In their teens, they probably preferred sitting on a beanbag in their bedroom with headphones and contemplating the deep poetic meaning held within the words of a song, rather than turning their speakers up full blast and pogo-ing up and down on their bed playing air guitar like a mad man. Their initial love of music was intellectual rather than visceral. They were not touched by the raw, shamanistic rhythms of the great rock songs. They never really ‘got’ this aspect of music. I’ve noticed that David Bowie, Bob Dylan and Richard Thompson are particularly admired by these non-rhythmical musicians. The simple messages yet great grooves of Rock Around the Clock or Louie Louie are not going to get their juices flowing. On the other hand, lovers of rhythm can find enjoyment playing most songs. Their is a magic and depth to rhythm in good rock music which the poets remain unaware of. Jazz allergy Another subset of musicians may be averse to playing anything sounding even remotely jazzy. They are deathly allergic to jazz. Even a relatively simple D9 chord may trigger a strong objection, a histamine rash or a threat to quit the band. They would much prefer that the D9 was a simpler D7 or, even better, a plain old unembroidered D. Many Jazzophobes are older gentlemen who came of age during the punk and new wave scenes in the 1970’s. This is when pop music was stripped down to its essentials. The punk aesthetic was a no-frills aesthetic. The excesses of jazz music are totally unnecessary in the eyes of the Jazzophobe. One Jazzophobe once told me, “I can’t see the point of trumpets”. So, you may need to keep in mind the preferences of certain players when choosing songs for the set list. You may have to drop some otherwise perfect song choices in order to maintain band harmony. Summary When choosing band songs: choose easier-to-play songs; consider the singer’s style and range; introduce new songs at a snail’s pace; make some allowances for fussy and rhythmically-deficient players’ likes and dislikes. (Some musician and band names in this article have been changed to protect identities.) Mark Baxter (c) 2024 In this post… Dave Pinoli and his enormous pedal board. A disastrous gig at a children’s music recital. Handbag CEO. Gear Nerd characteristics. The basic guitar gear needed to play local gigs. The Gear Nerd is always a middle-aged guy, and nearly always an electric guitar player. He is obsessed with the technical specifications of various guitars, amplifiers and other guitar-related gadgetry, and has downloaded a lot of guitar apps onto his computer. He can talk knowledgeably for hours about the pros and cons of all manner of guitar gear. He spends a lot of his spare time reading online reviews of the various products. In most cases, this time would be better spent learning basic musicianship: for example, how to play a C major scale. Gear Nerds support a global industry of guitar gear manufacturers that totals billions of dollars in annual sales. As you form you first bands and start to play gigs, jam sessions and open mics, you are bound to come across the odd Gear Nerd or two. Perhaps you have already? Compared to other 'types' of musician I will mention in future blog posts though, the Gear Nerd is mostly harmless. I would rate the average Gear Nerd a moderate 6 on the musician toxicity scale. However, do read on as this blog post will help you to:
Dave Pinoli One amateur musician I knew, Dave Pinoli, was a gear nerd par excellence. Dave had a huge pedal board. For those of you who don’t know what a pedal board is, it’s a collection of small and colourful metal boxes containing electronics that flavour the basic sound of an electric guitar. The pedal board is placed at the feet of the guitar player and it is operated by tapping little switches on and off using the foot. Normally, an amateur guitarist playing local gigs has a modest pedal board that takes up the same amount of floor space as a shoe box. Dave Pinoli’s pedal board, on the other hand, occupied the same space as a large dog basket and would not have looked out of place as the control panel of an alien spacecraft in a 1970’s sci-fi movie.  Dave Pinoli's gargantuan pedal board A few years ago, Dave was asked if he could help out at a music school recital, where his young daughter and other children would be performing to an audience of mums and dads. Dave was scheduled to play two rock songs along with two other dads: a drummer and a bassist. They were to support a singer who was a 12-year-old girl. Dave had set up his enormous pedal board before the recital began and it effectively cornered off a quarter of the available stage space for the entire evening. Teachers and young kids were constantly tripping over it during the course of the evening. When it finally came time for Dave to step up to the stage and perform, he himself tripped over the pedal board. Halfway through the first song, he got confused, activated the wrong pedal and the resulting feedback (a high-pitch squeal) forced everyone in the audience to cover their ears with their hands. Bewildered young children in the audience anxiously looked up to their parents for reassurance. An equally bewildered Dave frenziedly tapped his foot on random pedals until his guitar suddenly went totally silent, and it remained that way for the rest of the song, much to the relief of the audience. Dave’s second (and final) song thankfully went better. After the show, Dave’s wife came up to me and asked “What do you think of all of his little boxes on the floor?" She was referring to Dave’s pedal board. I gave a non-committal shrug and she replied, “It’s pathetic, isn’t it?" Others were standing close by and within earshot, including Dave himself. I’m not sure if he heard his wife’s disparaging words. Mrs Pinoli was not one to save her husband’s blushes after a disastrous gig! Handbag CEO I offer the following story as an example of a case of gear-nerdery so severe, the sufferer was most probably never able to get his guitar playing to the level required to play in an amateur rock band. In fact, he was most probably never able to play the chord G. Years ago, the CEO of a well-known deluxe handbag company hit me up for some guitar lessons. He took three lessons with me. At each lesson, he brought along a different Les Paul Gibson guitar. These were expensive guitars and he wanted to talk about their features (or ‘specs’ as they are known in guitar circles): the woods used, the chambering (?), the inlays, the tuners… I tried to teach him the chord G. He wasn’t interested. He just wanted to show me all of his guitars for some reason. As he owned three Les Pauls, three lessons were enough, and he didn’t book a fourth lesson. However, two months later, he re-contacted me and he did book another lesson. As it turned out, he had bought a fourth Les Paul. This one had state-of-the-art robot tuners. In other words, the guitar tuned itself up at the push of a button. After this lesson, I never heard from the handbag CEO again, so I presume his guitar collection remains at four items. Gear Nerd characteristics The Gear Nerd is generally not a great musician nor a great creator of art. His priorities, in order of most important to least important are…
Typical Gear Nerd behaviour at rehearsals includes…
I have painted Dave Pinoli, Handbag CEO and gear nerds in general in a rather pathetic light here. I should say that the Gear Nerds I have known were all very decent people and successful in their day job professions. And, in their defence, a guitar player, or indeed any musician, does need to have some good equipment and knowledge of how to operate it (as we will see in a future blog post concerning the Gear Nerd’s arch-nemesis… The Gearophobe). However, perhaps you shouldn’t let gear get in the way of making music and art. Once you have some half-decent gear, stick with it and concentrate on creating within the gear’s limitations (all gear has limitations). Which guitar gear to buy to play in a local rock band Here is my take on gear if you are an amateur rock guitar player looking to play local gigs. Get yourself a combo amp with a 12” speaker. My preference is a single-channel amp. A two-channel amp would effectively have an overdrive pedal built into it that could be activated via a foot switch. Another preference of mine, and many guitarists, would be that the amp is a tube amp (a.k.a, a valve amp) due to the warm sound of these old-fashioned-styled amps. A 30- or 40-watt amp is normally sufficient. The amp can be miked and put through the P.A. at larger gigs if necessary. As for pedals, you probably need one or two overdrive pedals. Most of them are similar in my opinion. (OMG! Gear Nerds will NOT agree with that!). If you have a couple of them, you are sorted and you don’t need to buy any more. You can use these two pedals together for a more complex sound and more distortion. A tuner pedal is also a good idea. With this relatively simple gear, and the use of the volume control on your guitar, you should be able to get these three distinct sounds:
For most types of rock music, there is no need to go on a crazy quest for gear, in my opinion. Ultimately, your sound comes from your hands, not your gear. I’ve heard this old cliché many times over the years, but it is true to a large degree. For example, two guitar players who have been very popular with Gear Nerds over the last few decades are Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn. They both hit their guitar strings hard with accuracy. They set up their guitars so their strings were high relative to the frets and this enabled them to hit the strings hard without fret buzz. (This is called ‘high action’.) Both Jimi and SRV could play soft and delicately also, and so their range of possible dynamics was vast. Playing around with this dynamic range made for very expressive music. Also, both Jimi and SRV played with great groove and timing. These things are the secrets to their sound. Not a certain green Tube Screamer pedal nor a certain amp from 1968 nor a curly guitar cable. Conclusions about Gear Nerds Guitar Nerds are not the most disruptive character you will come across in a rock band. You may need to excuse yourself from tedious conversations about equipment occasionally. You may need to gently convince the Gear Nerd to simplify his rig (amp and pedals) so that there is enough room remaining for the singer to stand on the stage at a small venue.
Gear obsession is often coupled with other traits however, such as being unrealistically ambitious or being rhythmically dyslexic. (We’ll examine these two traits in upcoming posts.) Then there can be a problem. So, evidence of gear-nerdery is not on its own a red flag when auditioning a guitarist for your band. (Some names of individuals mentioned in this blog post were changed to protect identities.) Mark Baxter (c) 2024 |
Blog: How to form a rock band. Also, how NOT to form a rock band.About this blog
These blog posts contain info I would like to pass on to my music students when they form their first bands and start to play live gigs. I explain more here in my first blog post.
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Mark Baxter, musician, music teacher, guitarist, bassist, drummer. English expat living in Belgium.
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